I don't need to be here.

I need to be studying for an eco exam.
oh gosh so I never come here anymore, and hopefully I'm not the only one. BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT TO BE REALLY DUMB, LIKE REALLY.
So I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars today, and well... It's got me feelin' some kind of way.


I miss so much. (this is all this blog is ever about)
Like this is the first time in so long I've actually read a book, that I wanted to. Not that I was assigned to read or had to read. It was for simple enjoyment. and it was so good. and it left me wishing I could go back to a time when I had time to read or waste time on something that isn't vital to my existence or future or whatever the heck I'm doing with my life.
Like I seriously skipped class today so that I could lay in my bed and read all freaking day. I cannot tell you the last time I've done that. but it was short lived because I have a million other things I should be doing. I feel stuck in an endless circle of commitments and due dates and flippin' responsibilities.
I'm so over time passing and change and due dates. I feel like I'm stuck. In like every aspect of my life. Like. Calhoun, oh lawd Calhoun. I've been sucked into the black hole of community college going nowhere slowly along with a bunch of middle aged mom's and ex cons. I miss feeling young and hopeful. I'm supposedly in my prime. I'm supposed to be out having fun every weekend and meeting new people and making new friends and creating memories I'll always remember and HAVING THE FREAKING TIME OF MY LIFE, but I mostly just sit at home and try to get stuff done and be on time to all the places I have to be on time to and catch up on sleep and make sure I'm doing everything right and not forgetting anything I'm supposed to be doing or disappointing someone or seeing everyone that I need to see and all the things I have to do and finish all of my homework and make sure my cat isn't dead or dying and UGH. I miss weekends in Trinity at Jason's house with Tre' and Andrea and Justine and Lauren and Sarah (x2) and Victoria and all those people. And nights at Andrea's with no sleep and only the ACT to wake up for on Saturday's and I miss driving around and new music and sitting at Chickfila because we didn't want to go home and sneaking off to big spring park and having time to waste and people waste it with. And knowing all these people and everything going on in their lives and just generally having a lot of good friends in one area that I could contact at any time and not worry about interrupting their lives because I was a part of their life. I miss my youth. I miss feeling young. I miss being carefree and having a future to look forward to. because now I only look forward to days with nothing written on the schedule. and even on those days there are a million things for me to do and I just want to say screw it and go sit at someone's house that isn't like family until the wee hours of the morning because it's new and exciting. I feel like I've gotten all that I can get out of Decatur and there's nothing left but dullness and lonely nights. Oh gosh with my mental state right now I'm likely to say the stupidest things GAH. I'm JUST GENERALLY DISCONTENT WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I just NEED something new, something to make me feel like I'm not wasting away over here. I need to do something irresponsible but not immoral. I need to just skip out and do something that isn't sitting in this place rotting away. I NEED TO GO TAKE THAT ECO QUIZ SHOOT ME.


I am so very stupid and I really should not post this.
DON'T JUDGE ME.







My life isn't really that bad I just like to think it is sometimes.
I'M REALLY DUMB I'M GOING TO GO TAKE AN ECO QUIZ


I already regret posting this.

I AM SO ANGRY

I HATE THIS STUPID ACCOUNTING CLASS I COULD POOP FIRE

Well, hey.

Tumblr has taken over.
Find me there.

To whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

I have approximately an elven minute wait until my 300someting pictures upload to facebook. So I thought I'd kill some time with wasted thoughts.

I'm feeling... self conscience about grammar and spelling and all that scholarly jazz... So, please... No judgment.

I was attempting a normal sleeping schedule since I had kind of developed one over my trip to Gatlinburg. It is currently 2:39. So much for that.

Lauren came over tonight. It was a lot like old times in the way that blue-berry muffins were involved. Along with time spent focused on the computer screen, and most importantly long and meaningful conversations.
Those are three of the very few things that are the same.

In a summer and a semester so much has changed. I've lost some friendships and gained, or rather strengthened others. Nothing feels the same.
I'm not completely against the change, but it is not exactly how I imagined it would be.
How I feel about this subject is too complicated.
I don't know if there are enough words.
Honestly, I don't even care to find them.
So we'll move on.
I just know I'm content to be where I am, and to go where I am going.


I hate how cheesy and serious I always sound here.
I give up.
Goodnight.
(morning)

...

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gag



.

AH.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY!

A heart that's made of gold,

can't really beat at all.